Well I think my depression has reached an all new low.  I spend my time looking up x friends and x boyfriends online, seeing how their lives have gone.   Seems like most have something about them listed online or a my space page.  The one friend I want to call that moved I can't seem to find his number online.  I don't think he wants to hear from me anyways.  I'm not sure what happened.  Ever had a friend that you though you were going to be friends with for life?  We used to see each other nearly every day.  Maybe he realized what a stick in the mud I was I don't know. 

I've reached a new level of depression.  I'm barely able to get up in the morning and go to work.  I seem to be living in the past.  Tonight I sent someone in a gay chat room a pic that wasn't mine, and he proceeded to invite me over to screw him.  How dysfunctional is that?  If I had sent my pic he would have run screaming.  But then do I want to screw some guy who lets any guy he thinks is cute screw him?  I don't know.. I need a life I need friends.  My friend Chris moved away, I'm always so alone.  I may as well be in a space capsule on the way to Mars.  I don't interact with people outside of work.  All the effective antidepressants have unacceptable side effects…

The state is appealing my win.  They won't let it go.  My public defender / appeals attorney is on some long term leave of absence.  I have a feeling a family member is dying or something terrible.  I expect to win; I'm really not that worried.  If I lose so much time has passed they may not pursue it and if they do I will still have plenty of time to mount a defense and win again.  I expect that won't be resolved for another year or more.  That's a realistic estimate, I'm not being negative.

Tonight I have been thinking about everything I can change to make myself happy.  That's just it too, I can change things in my life that will then lead to happiness.  It's the chicken and the egg thing though…. I'm not able to do much in my present mental state so it's difficult to effect the change that is necessary. 

But I can list them

First lose weight, get in shape

Second make money, start my own business

Third be more social, make friends, and find lovers

Fourth spend more time doing fun things. 

The money thing will be taken care of I think.  Within a year I will have a bachelor's degree.  I hope I can command more money with one.  I always wanted a prestigious job, like CIA, FBI, etc but I don't ever see that happening.  Perhaps better would be to own my own prestigious company.  A guy I graduated from college from.. he had a myspace page, he's flying jets for the Air Force.  Talk about a kick ass job.  Why didn't I do that?  After 20 years he can retire with a pension, be 40ish, fly commercial and be fucking wealthy.  See there I am living in the past and living in what ifs.

The weight thing I know I can do, hell I went 10 days without eating, and I think when I was 15 I went longer than that.  As for being more social I think perhaps if I was in shape and had more confidence that might be easy.  And doing fun things… well the happier I am the more I want to go out and do shit.

I need to just do it and quit whining on my stupid blog…. I have to do something, it's past critical now.