Well I graduated from college with a bachelors.  I'm amazed that I am finished.  It feels weird not having homework due.  I haven't written much lately.  I'm in the middle of a serious depressive state.  I went to the doctor, and now a counselor. I just feel this sadnesss... and hate and rage and I feel anxious.  I miss feeling love, it's been so long since I felt that.  I miss happiness, I miss kissing, holding hands, caring about someone, loving someone.  I feel like my hope is running out.  I no longer appreciate the beauty in my drive to work every morning.  Instead I just dread wasting another day of my life in exchange for peanuts.  I don't feel like carrying on anymore.  I'm cold, I'm tired... I just want to lay down and die peacefully.  Maybe this descent will end.  Maybe it'll be the kicking and screaming at the end that will allow me to pull myself out of this. 

 

 

Well about 6 more weeks… if I can pass everything with a C or better, if I can complete all the crazy ass papers…. I will have a bachelor's degree. God fucking damnit it's about time.  It's amazing someone with such a poor command of the written word will have a bachelor's degree.  I'm getting stoked… when I am done I can immediately start working on my boat again.  I am still waiting to hear if the state's appeal of my glorious victory is successful.  I expect to hear in January or February.  If I lose my life will be over, if I win, it will be starting again.  Jesus fuck.

Well it's been a long time bloggy.  I'm attempting to take 18 college credits while working 24 hours a week, all in the midst of major depression, still being attacked by a some state prosecutor who's name I don't even know.  It's dark and late at night and I am asking myself what I have to live for.  I guess my answer is not much.  I just finished watching a bunch of sitcoms on DVD from a series I used to watch as a kid.  That's pretty lame.  I'm living vicariously through the lives of others, others who are no doubt more financially successful than myself.  Others who probably have the ability to form and maintain functional relationships.  I've entered into this strange pseudo relationship with a woman 20 years my senior.  I'm not sure what that's about, but it's dysfunctional.  I don't t know what to say in here.  I want to win the lottery and buy a nice sailboat and sail off to a faraway land where happiness is located.  I have strange borderline paranoia all the time and this horrible feeling.  I guess I am just hanging on.  That's a bad analogy though, I used to be the kid who always gave up before he had too… like hanging on the monkey bars or whatever.. I could hang on longer but I would give up before it started to burn.  I think once I get this college degree and they lose their appeal that life will be better.  Maybe I can land a job on a cruise ship, managing the cruise ship store or something.  If I drowned would anyone care?   If I died would anyone but family be at the funeral?  What the hell happened to me, how did I get so broken.  In three months I will have a bachelor's degree.  I think the change in weather is giving me melancholy…. Maybe I will end this with a positive quote… " In this life, it's not what you hope for, it's not what you deserve -- it's what you take."

Well things have been pretty good.  I've been spending some time working on my boat and its gigantic trailer… well to me gigantic (28' long).  I have been rather short tempered lately.  It's like I am tired of peoples shit.  They put their shit on me and it gets old.  Plus I am tired of making one little perceived mistake at work and getting jumped on about it by 5 people.  Well 5 is an exaggeration.  I need more patience, and I need to strengthen my ability to deal with peoples shit.  Perhaps it's because I have so much of my own.  On brighter news…. I really like this David Berkeley song called Fire Sign oh and I have been listening to "Lawyers, guns and money" which I heard on Boston Legal. 

 

I'm a little tired.  No one submitted any names for my boat.  I think I will try to turn in early.  I lifted a two ton boat off a trailer last weekend for restoration.  This weekend I have to move the keel.  

 

 

Ok win will I learn to do the posts in Word and copy them.  Blogdrive ate another post.  Now I can't remember exactly what I typed, it was some of my better writing too.   I think I started by saying that I am still waiting to hear if the state is going to win their appeal against me.  Then I quoted one of the Duke players "fantastic lies" statement.  That whole thing is interesting, if you are guilty you do not help the police find evidence and give them access to your e-mail and ask to take a lie detector test.  But then its not a question of guilty or not guilty, its all about a black stripper and rich white boys which makes publicity which means prosecutors and detectives will get their names in the paper, which is more important than truth or justice.  The publicity is more important than finding out exactly who did it, more important than the lives of the jocks which are being forever changed.  After all at the end of the day, the white prosecutor goes home to his white wife, in his nice house and could give a shit about a black stripper.  Is the prosecutor even white?  I'm just guessing…. I don't even know.  Some free legal advice for everybody, don't talk to law enforcement.  Never talk to law enforcement!!!! If they are asking you a question about something it's not to determine if you are innocent or guilty its to pin guilt on you.  Let me give you an example…..

"Do you know why I pulled you over" 

"No"

"You were speeding" 

"Well I don't think I was"

"Where are you headed?"

"I am late for an appointment with……."

 

The report will read you stated you were doing 100mph because you were late for an appointment.  You're better off not engaging in a conversation with the cop.  Don't answer their questions, not volunteer information.  It's better to politely say you do not speak with police offices without an attorney present. 

 

Let me reenact the phone conversation I had with a detective, the only one, the only time I have talked to a detective and I don't think its word for word since it was nearly three years ago but its damn close and I remember she was pissed. 

 

Pig "This is Detective _________ we need to talk."

 Me "I've been advised by my attorney not to speak to you without her present"

 Pig "Oh so you've retained an attorney already"  - pissed tone

Me "I spoke with one today" 

Pig "Well this is a serious matter" 

Me  " I'm sorry I've been advised by not to speak with you without an attorney"

Pig "Well I guess we have nothing more to say" 

 

I was with my attorney when she talked to that detective twice trying to set up an interview, but it never happened.  Why would a cop not want to talk with someone they are going to charge with a crime?  Because they don't care if you are guilty or not… they don't care if you have a roommate that committed the crime, they don't care if the pots not yours, they don't care if your girlfriend has a track record of lying and perhaps she's filed false police reports before. (these are just examples taken from real life but not necessarily my life)  Without an attorney they can skew whatever you say to make you look guilty and you have no recourse.  If you HAVE to tell a cop something do it in writing, and have an attorney review it.    This same cop went on the news, said a bunch of stuff that wasn't true, and prefaced every statement with "we believe."  I believe, if it was true, I wouldn't be typing this blog today because I doubt the state pen has internet access.  All of what she said would be easy to prove true (if it was) and I would not be at home right now.   

 

So this June will make three years since events conspired against me that forever changed the course of my life.  Three years and its still unresolved… three years and thousands of dollars in lost earnings and expenses…. tens of thousands actually.  So what have I been up to?  I'm building a giant wooden gantry to lift my sailboat off its trailer so I can paint/restore it and the trailer.  I don't know why I am putting so much time money and energy into a sailboat that will never be suited to sail in unprotected waters.  My dreams of sailing out of this country won't be fulfilled with that boat…. but then who would pay my student loans?  I actually can leave the country, but I think if the state was to win their appeal they would probably want me back….. I need a name when I purchased it used it had no name on it.  Any ideas of what to name my sailboat?  I was thinking "Blow Me" but that would be bad if I ever needed to call for help on the radio.  I was thinking about "Moxie", but that's a name usually given to Trimaran's and my sailboat is a single hull fin keeled boat.  What about "Perseverance?", or "Better Days?" or something positive.

 

Any suggestions??????

In the meantime I'll keep working on my boat and at my job.  Someday I will build my dream boat from scratch and sail it around the world, drinking scotch and smoking cigars with  a couple scantily clad deck hands along to do the work. 

 

Well I think my depression has reached an all new low.  I spend my time looking up x friends and x boyfriends online, seeing how their lives have gone.   Seems like most have something about them listed online or a my space page.  The one friend I want to call that moved I can't seem to find his number online.  I don't think he wants to hear from me anyways.  I'm not sure what happened.  Ever had a friend that you though you were going to be friends with for life?  We used to see each other nearly every day.  Maybe he realized what a stick in the mud I was I don't know. 

I've reached a new level of depression.  I'm barely able to get up in the morning and go to work.  I seem to be living in the past.  Tonight I sent someone in a gay chat room a pic that wasn't mine, and he proceeded to invite me over to screw him.  How dysfunctional is that?  If I had sent my pic he would have run screaming.  But then do I want to screw some guy who lets any guy he thinks is cute screw him?  I don't know.. I need a life I need friends.  My friend Chris moved away, I'm always so alone.  I may as well be in a space capsule on the way to Mars.  I don't interact with people outside of work.  All the effective antidepressants have unacceptable side effects…

The state is appealing my win.  They won't let it go.  My public defender / appeals attorney is on some long term leave of absence.  I have a feeling a family member is dying or something terrible.  I expect to win; I'm really not that worried.  If I lose so much time has passed they may not pursue it and if they do I will still have plenty of time to mount a defense and win again.  I expect that won't be resolved for another year or more.  That's a realistic estimate, I'm not being negative.

Tonight I have been thinking about everything I can change to make myself happy.  That's just it too, I can change things in my life that will then lead to happiness.  It's the chicken and the egg thing though…. I'm not able to do much in my present mental state so it's difficult to effect the change that is necessary. 

But I can list them

First lose weight, get in shape

Second make money, start my own business

Third be more social, make friends, and find lovers

Fourth spend more time doing fun things. 

 

The money thing will be taken care of I think.  Within a year I will have a bachelor's degree.  I hope I can command more money with one.  I always wanted a prestigious job, like CIA, FBI, etc but I don't ever see that happening.  Perhaps better would be to own my own prestigious company.  A guy I graduated from college from.. he had a myspace page, he's flying jets for the Air Force.  Talk about a kick ass job.  Why didn't I do that?  After 20 years he can retire with a pension, be 40ish, fly commercial and be fucking wealthy.  See there I am living in the past and living in what ifs.

 

The weight thing I know I can do, hell I went 10 days without eating, and I think when I was 15 I went longer than that.  As for being more social I think perhaps if I was in shape and had more confidence that might be easy.  And doing fun things… well the happier I am the more I want to go out and do shit.

 

I need to just do it and quit whining on my stupid blog…. I have to do something, it's past critical now. 

It's been a while, I have a bit to say, but too tired.  I want a boyfriend... no I need a boyfriend.  I don't know a gay man who's gone this long without. 

I used Whois to find out who owned the website.  I expected it to be some company that was outsourced but it wasn't.  After threatening to sue I got a lady that was going to try and take me off their database.  It's a company not a non profit.  I am going to wait the 4 or 5 days and if its still there I think I will file a suit against them. 

  

I'm reminded of everything that happened every day.  It's with me when I wake up, its in my dreams at night.  I'm reminded when I go to my crumby job, as I lost a job and I lost a business (although it was in it's infancy).  I'm reminded when I go to the public library and see children there, and when I open my credit card statements.  I'm reminded when I fill out a job application and it says have you ever been convicted of a felony.  I am reminded I was once charged with one but thankfully I can still put down no.  I'm reminded when I hear the words jail on TV, I'm reminded when they talk about Michael Jackson and his alleged victims.  I'm reminded that they didn't use alleged; they spoke as if I had victims even though I didn't.  Never mind I didn't know any children, never mind a child has never accused me of anything.  Never mind there probably isn't a child in that state that knows my name, all of that is irrelevant.  The only laws I have broken are traffic.  It disturbs me when I am referred to as an offender.  I've won my case; it never even went to trial.  It didn't take millions, no one was bought.        

Once before I tried to get my name off a statewide database that lists me as an offender and failed.  Anyone with my last name can get my first name and middle initial.  From my last name they can obtain my date of birth.  They can verify my social security number.  I called the 877 number and spoke with an operator. She refused to answer my questions, she wouldn't even tell me if she worked for the organization or if she was outsourced.  All I wanted was a mailing address, she asked me why I wanted that information, I told her so I could write them a letter.  She hung up on me; I called back and told her she was rude.  So tomorrow I will call them and appeal to their sense of greed.  I will call them and tell them I own DEWRES Inc, and your organization has done so much for my sister who is a victim of spousal abuse.  Thankfully he is now her x spouse, but when she told me how much you have done for her I felt I had to make a donation.  I would like to talk to someone about having my company make a contribution to your organization; can you give me some contact info?  I am going to do this tomorrow, and I will sue these bastards if I have to.  I can't help but think that before all of this I would never have been able to do that.  I would never have been able to be deceitful.  So it's changed me.  I'm tired of fighting, and I am tired of losing.  I suppose I won the important fight, but sometimes I think not really.  I guess I will end with a quote.  With the first link, a chain is forged.  The first speech censored the first thought forbidden the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably.    If I have any readers, and any of you know what that quote is from, shock me by telling me in a comment :-)

  

 

Well not a whole lot is new.  I still have the same job, although I am working less hours now.  Today I left early due to there not being any customers.  Chris just left about a half hour ago.  He used to work where I work, but they layed him off.  They got rid of him because they were pissed at him.  Right after laying him off they hired someone else.  Someone they paid a dollar fifty an hour less.  I guess whatever it takes to make money.  Or like I say, the first million is never enough.  My sleeping schedule has been messed up, I keep wanting to sleep during the day and can't fall asleep at night.  Plus it seems like I am not well rested when I do get to sleep.  Perhaps I am having bad dreams, I am not sure.  I just know I should feel more rested during the day and I am not.  I guess things are going good,  am taking 6 college credits this semester.  I am not sure how I am going to do in those classes.  They are becoming a lot of work and one of them is online and its a bitch, taught by a bitch too.  Well I would write more but I guess I am not in a talkative mood.  Zola on AOL, who is an AOL AI program told me a neat quote which I think I will add here.  I think I will end this entry with the quote.  Tennyson wrote, "The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks; the long day wanes; the slow moon climbs; the deep moans round with many voices. Come, my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world."