I feel like something is wrong lately, and not just the usual wrong. The other day I had deja vu, really bad deja vu all day.  I went to places for work that I felt sure I had been too before.  I still think he took me there but he said he was sure he hadn't. It was a small building for a large truck scale that houses one employee. It's like I have this overwhelming feeling something really bad is going to happen. I keep forgetting to take my blood pressure pills, when I forget my blood pressure goes dangerously high. I would give anything for this to end, for the state to leave me alone, for me to move on with my life. I can't move on, I am stuck.  I feel like I haven't grown as a person in 6 years, I feel like I'm developmentally stuck.  I am withdrawing more and more. I am forcing myself to go to Moscow, to visit a friend that I am not sure is still a friend but that's a long story. We were close once but we are totally different people now. I feel I have to get out of the house, for my health. I'm not looking forward to the stress of driving 150 miles in a vehicle I don't trust but I have to get out. I am withdrawing more and more. I don't have any control, I can't stop anything from happening. Part of me wants to spend another weekend sleeping, like I do most weekends. I've been thinking if I quit my job, or lose it, or whatever that I am going to find something I can do completely from home. I don't want to leave the house anymore. In fact ideally I'd like to have a few inches of plate steel between me and the world, I'd like to have my groceries delivered, etc. I just don't see the point in venturing out anymore, nothing good ever comes of me interacting with people. With that said, I'm going to see an old friend this weekend. I guess I am still trying, if I am still trying I guess that means I still have hope.  If I have hope then there is hope.

The unexamined life is not worth living. When I examine mine, it's not worth living either. What am I suppose to do, cling to the hope of better times ahead? What evidence do I have that suggests things will get better? When I look at things logically I come to the conclusion that things are more likely than not going to get worse. If you find yourself going through hell, keep going. How long can that quote keep me going? What happens when I feel like I just need to lay down. It took everything to keep from bawling while at work today. I love that place, and now it's gone. It's all fucking gone. Everything leaves, they all do. Are they being taken, or am I letting them slip away? Am I not holding on tight enough? For the friend from my past that I e-mailed asking if I had the right e-mail, I did more googling I know it's you. I thought perhaps you didn't get the e-mail so I texted you. Fuck you for not responding, fuck you for not saying hello. Just a conversation to catch up, just a hi how are you.... all because I had a dream and you were in it. You were one of those friends that I didn't realize I was lucky to have, but clearly I was appreciated even less, so fuck you. Fuck all of them.

It's Saturday night and I am at a Strabucks alone, after eating dinner alone. I've become the most antisocial person I know. That was suppose to be a joke. In an effort to socialize I went into a chat room and chatted with a computer programmer from Spokane that also has a boat last night at like 2 am A sorta cute guy just came into Starbucks with a backpack on. He's a little young, looks maybe 20 to 22. There is something about guys with backpacks, it's like they are ready to go. Back when I had a place of my own it was like they were ready to go back to my place. I don't know, I wonder what is in his backpack. I've forgotten how to socialize anymore, there was a time when I would have said hi to the guy, but thats no more. I like guys who aren't hot in the traditional sense, he's not hot in the traditional sense. My god he just sat down in the overstuffed chair next to me. He asked if I minded if he sat there then pulls out a nice laptop, so I complemented him on his laptop and we had a conversation. My god I don't know how to interact with people any more. He's a programmer from Seattle working at the hospital. I misjudged his age, I would guess him to be more like 24 now. He's not cute, but then he is. He's listening to his little MP3 player, I bet it would freak him out if he knew I was writing a whole fucking page about him. Anyways he seems nice, maybe he's gay maybe he's not. Maybe he’ll marry, maybe he won’t, may he’ll have children,maybe he won’t, maybe he’ll divorce at 40, maybe he'll dance the funky chicken on his 75th wedding anniversary... sorry I got lost in song lyrics there. Yup, he totally does it for me. I bet he has a hotel room within walking distance of here. I wonder why I am attracted to computer programmers. God I have this pain behind my eye, I am taking antibiotics for what I thougth was a sinus infection but christ I shouldn't be having pain behind my eye like this. I tend to jump from one topic to another, I guess typing like this is like talking to oneself. What do you do when you are really really lonely, you talk to yourself but if people here you they think you are crazy. But if you are in Starbucks typing away at 60 or so words a minute they just think you are working on something important and are smart. But this is important, it's important that I write about random computer programmer guy sitting next to me. It's important that I talk to myself. He's got thin hair, I don't like thin hair. Okay my age estimate has just gone up, of course the older he is with no wedding ring the bigger chance he's gay. My friend Celeste isn't returning my calls, my one gay friend moved 60 miles away and I seem to be only text message worthy to him. This funny looking little kid just walked by... damn his parents need to feed him, the kid looks like he's starving. I don't know why but that kid looks fucking hilarious, but seriously he's 3 and a half feet tall and looks like he weighs 25lbs. It's so uncomfortable trying to type on my lap like this. I should just hit on consultant boy. He's got little cuffs on his jeans....I wonder if he goes to the hospital IT department looking like that. Then Sandpoint is pretty lax, I think many companies have realized requiring employees that don't meet with customers to dress in slacks, a button up shirt and ties is dumb. You end up getting a bunch of really shitty dressed people in see through dress shirts that technically meet the dress code requirement. The worst case scenario he's straight, and those cuffed jeans make me wonder. I'm getting skater turned geek vibe from him. I wonder if he's interested in an out of shape man who makes ¼ of what he makes and who has a really negative view of life and the entire justice system of a state out to get him. Thankfully I have a charming personality and am the life of every party. My boss is cool, I talked to him on the phone today. He was talking all about fluid dynamics and boat design. It's good that he continues to learn. Well I guess I don't have much more to say. I think geek boy is straight, I haven't talked to him again and I kind of just brushed him off after our short conversation of Windows vs. XP. If I was smart, I would have offered to burn a copy of XP media for him. I'm not sure if it violate the license agreement but he has a license on the bottom of the laptop. Maybe he's listening to gay techno music thinking to himself there is no one gay in this town right now and wondering about me, wouldn't that be funny.

Well bloggy… I'm not sure if my life got worse or it's about to get better.  My job sent me home.  I sent an e-mail to a coworker saying I couldn't assist with something, and that if they limited their smoke breaks to two a day they would have ample time to solve the problem for themselves.  Actually I sent it to two people who make up the department.  The general manager kind of has it in for me because I went around him when I never got a response on my request for tuition reimbursement.  That and I think he wants to poke the lady that I sent it to.  Althought he's kinda of poking the head of the accounting department.... while he's still married.  I was told to go home until I apologize, and is said, "you don't want me coming in tomorrow?" and they said don't come back until you apologize.  I said I wasn't going to apologize and left.  So… do I have a job there anymore or not?  Unfortunately it was a coworker's birthday that day, and he was told to stay an hour later by my supervisor who sent me home.  My supervisor is salaried, but he only works around 32-35 hours a week and couldn't stay that late.  So he was late getting home for a birthday dinner.  I was really, really, upset about the whole thing.  I checked my blood pressure and it was 227 over 117 or something crazy so I laid down and it went down to 178 over 118.  Then I thought to myself, what are the things I need in life and what are the things I want in life.  Money was on both of those lists, but interesting as I listed the things in my mind my cheesy job wasn't one of them.  Then I thought, this could be an opportunity.  It could motivate me to get a better job.  Of course my family is unsupportive.  It's like they are ashamed that I might get fired from my shitty job, where the bi-polar sociopath that runs it has it in for me.  At my core, I am kind of an asshole.  I know this.  Events in my life have made me a bigger one.  Certainly, my depression has made it worse as well.  Basically, I'm pretty abrasive.  Where I work management likes to send people home when they have been naughty.  I think what's bad is I have worked there for two years and they didn't ask or even care to hear my side of the story.  That is what tells me the boss has it in for me.  Plus he's totally inept, and he probably knows I think he is totally inept because I have a big mouth that gets me into trouble.  Such as life.  I'm the only one there with a fucking bachelor's degree in business that works there so that's great.  Knowing the company I work for, they will call me in for some stupid meeting and want me to sign some stupid paper that is not based on any facts.  I can either tell them to roll the piece of paper and shove it up their ass or I can suck it up.  I think apologizing is out of the question.  The most I can offer is perhaps to work on having a better attitude, and not give up on solving a problem after being e-mailed four times about it and talking to my boss twice about it.  I should have continued to bother my incompetent supervisor until he gave me some direction and just not responded to the e-mails.  In any event, the way I have been feeling lately I just tell myself that it's lucky I am still alive.  That's what the most important thing is.  I'm alive, and I am free.  Dying of a stroke over some hourly wage job would be a pathetic way to go.  I'm alive and I'm a hell of a lot smarter than the idiots I work for, and really that's not saying much. 

Well its late, I am going to end with some quotes I like.    

If we all worked on the assumption that what is accepted as true were really true,
there would be little hope of advance.
Orville Wright

It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
Chinese Proverb

Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them.
Leo Tolstoy

Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Albert Einstein

Well I graduated from college with a bachelors.  I'm amazed that I am finished.  It feels weird not having homework due.  I haven't written much lately.  I'm in the middle of a serious depressive state.  I went to the doctor, and now a counselor. I just feel this sadnesss... and hate and rage and I feel anxious.  I miss feeling love, it's been so long since I felt that.  I miss happiness, I miss kissing, holding hands, caring about someone, loving someone.  I feel like my hope is running out.  I no longer appreciate the beauty in my drive to work every morning.  Instead I just dread wasting another day of my life in exchange for peanuts.  I don't feel like carrying on anymore.  I'm cold, I'm tired... I just want to lay down and die peacefully.  Maybe this descent will end.  Maybe it'll be the kicking and screaming at the end that will allow me to pull myself out of this. 

Well about 6 more weeks… if I can pass everything with a C or better, if I can complete all the crazy ass papers…. I will have a bachelor's degree. God fucking damnit it's about time.  It's amazing someone with such a poor command of the written word will have a bachelor's degree.  I'm getting stoked… when I am done I can immediately start working on my boat again.  I am still waiting to hear if the state's appeal of my glorious victory is successful.  I expect to hear in January or February.  If I lose my life will be over, if I win, it will be starting again.  Jesus fuck.

Well it's been a long time bloggy.  I'm attempting to take 18 college credits while working 24 hours a week, all in the midst of major depression, still being attacked by a some state prosecutor who's name I don't even know.  It's dark and late at night and I am asking myself what I have to live for.  I guess my answer is not much.  I just finished watching a bunch of sitcoms on DVD from a series I used to watch as a kid.  That's pretty lame.  I'm living vicariously through the lives of others, others who are no doubt more financially successful than myself.  Others who probably have the ability to form and maintain functional relationships.  I've entered into this strange pseudo relationship with a woman 20 years my senior.  I'm not sure what that's about, but it's dysfunctional.  I don't t know what to say in here.  I want to win the lottery and buy a nice sailboat and sail off to a faraway land where happiness is located.  I have strange borderline paranoia all the time and this horrible feeling.  I guess I am just hanging on.  That's a bad analogy though, I used to be the kid who always gave up before he had too… like hanging on the monkey bars or whatever.. I could hang on longer but I would give up before it started to burn.  I think once I get this college degree and they lose their appeal that life will be better.  Maybe I can land a job on a cruise ship, managing the cruise ship store or something.  If I drowned would anyone care?   If I died would anyone but family be at the funeral?  What the hell happened to me, how did I get so broken.  In three months I will have a bachelor's degree.  I think the change in weather is giving me melancholy…. Maybe I will end this with a positive quote… " In this life, it's not what you hope for, it's not what you deserve -- it's what you take."

Well things have been pretty good.  I've been spending some time working on my boat and its gigantic trailer… well to me gigantic (28' long).  I have been rather short tempered lately.  It's like I am tired of peoples shit.  They put their shit on me and it gets old.  Plus I am tired of making one little perceived mistake at work and getting jumped on about it by 5 people.  Well 5 is an exaggeration.  I need more patience, and I need to strengthen my ability to deal with peoples shit.  Perhaps it's because I have so much of my own.  On brighter news…. I really like this David Berkeley song called Fire Sign oh and I have been listening to "Lawyers, guns and money" which I heard on Boston Legal. 

I'm a little tired.  No one submitted any names for my boat.  I think I will try to turn in early.  I lifted a two ton boat off a trailer last weekend for restoration.  This weekend I have to move the keel.