Ok win will I learn to do the posts in Word and copy them.  Blogdrive ate another post.  Now I can't remember exactly what I typed, it was some of my better writing too.   I think I started by saying that I am still waiting to hear if the state is going to win their appeal against me.  Then I quoted one of the Duke players "fantastic lies" statement.  That whole thing is interesting, if you are guilty you do not help the police find evidence and give them access to your e-mail and ask to take a lie detector test.  But then its not a question of guilty or not guilty, its all about a black stripper and rich white boys which makes publicity which means prosecutors and detectives will get their names in the paper, which is more important than truth or justice.  The publicity is more important than finding out exactly who did it, more important than the lives of the jocks which are being forever changed.  After all at the end of the day, the white prosecutor goes home to his white wife, in his nice house and could give a shit about a black stripper.  Is the prosecutor even white?  I'm just guessing…. I don't even know.  Some free legal advice for everybody, don't talk to law enforcement.  Never talk to law enforcement!!!! If they are asking you a question about something it's not to determine if you are innocent or guilty its to pin guilt on you.  Let me give you an example…..

"Do you know why I pulled you over" 

"No"

"You were speeding" 

"Well I don't think I was"

"Where are you headed?"

"I am late for an appointment with……."

 

The report will read you stated you were doing 100mph because you were late for an appointment.  You're better off not engaging in a conversation with the cop.  Don't answer their questions, not volunteer information.  It's better to politely say you do not speak with police offices without an attorney present. 

 

Let me reenact the phone conversation I had with a detective, the only one, the only time I have talked to a detective and I don't think its word for word since it was nearly three years ago but its damn close and I remember she was pissed. 

 

Pig "This is Detective _________ we need to talk."

 Me "I've been advised by my attorney not to speak to you without her present"

 Pig "Oh so you've retained an attorney already"  - pissed tone

Me "I spoke with one today" 

Pig "Well this is a serious matter" 

Me  " I'm sorry I've been advised by not to speak with you without an attorney"

Pig "Well I guess we have nothing more to say" 

 

I was with my attorney when she talked to that detective twice trying to set up an interview, but it never happened.  Why would a cop not want to talk with someone they are going to charge with a crime?  Because they don't care if you are guilty or not… they don't care if you have a roommate that committed the crime, they don't care if the pots not yours, they don't care if your girlfriend has a track record of lying and perhaps she's filed false police reports before. (these are just examples taken from real life but not necessarily my life)  Without an attorney they can skew whatever you say to make you look guilty and you have no recourse.  If you HAVE to tell a cop something do it in writing, and have an attorney review it.    This same cop went on the news, said a bunch of stuff that wasn't true, and prefaced every statement with "we believe."  I believe, if it was true, I wouldn't be typing this blog today because I doubt the state pen has internet access.  All of what she said would be easy to prove true (if it was) and I would not be at home right now.   

 

So this June will make three years since events conspired against me that forever changed the course of my life.  Three years and its still unresolved… three years and thousands of dollars in lost earnings and expenses…. tens of thousands actually.  So what have I been up to?  I'm building a giant wooden gantry to lift my sailboat off its trailer so I can paint/restore it and the trailer.  I don't know why I am putting so much time money and energy into a sailboat that will never be suited to sail in unprotected waters.  My dreams of sailing out of this country won't be fulfilled with that boat…. but then who would pay my student loans?  I actually can leave the country, but I think if the state was to win their appeal they would probably want me back….. I need a name when I purchased it used it had no name on it.  Any ideas of what to name my sailboat?  I was thinking "Blow Me" but that would be bad if I ever needed to call for help on the radio.  I was thinking about "Moxie", but that's a name usually given to Trimaran's and my sailboat is a single hull fin keeled boat.  What about "Perseverance?", or "Better Days?" or something positive.

 

Any suggestions??????

In the meantime I'll keep working on my boat and at my job.  Someday I will build my dream boat from scratch and sail it around the world, drinking scotch and smoking cigars with  a couple scantily clad deck hands along to do the work. 

 

Well I think my depression has reached an all new low.  I spend my time looking up x friends and x boyfriends online, seeing how their lives have gone.   Seems like most have something about them listed online or a my space page.  The one friend I want to call that moved I can't seem to find his number online.  I don't think he wants to hear from me anyways.  I'm not sure what happened.  Ever had a friend that you though you were going to be friends with for life?  We used to see each other nearly every day.  Maybe he realized what a stick in the mud I was I don't know. 

I've reached a new level of depression.  I'm barely able to get up in the morning and go to work.  I seem to be living in the past.  Tonight I sent someone in a gay chat room a pic that wasn't mine, and he proceeded to invite me over to screw him.  How dysfunctional is that?  If I had sent my pic he would have run screaming.  But then do I want to screw some guy who lets any guy he thinks is cute screw him?  I don't know.. I need a life I need friends.  My friend Chris moved away, I'm always so alone.  I may as well be in a space capsule on the way to Mars.  I don't interact with people outside of work.  All the effective antidepressants have unacceptable side effects…

The state is appealing my win.  They won't let it go.  My public defender / appeals attorney is on some long term leave of absence.  I have a feeling a family member is dying or something terrible.  I expect to win; I'm really not that worried.  If I lose so much time has passed they may not pursue it and if they do I will still have plenty of time to mount a defense and win again.  I expect that won't be resolved for another year or more.  That's a realistic estimate, I'm not being negative.

Tonight I have been thinking about everything I can change to make myself happy.  That's just it too, I can change things in my life that will then lead to happiness.  It's the chicken and the egg thing though…. I'm not able to do much in my present mental state so it's difficult to effect the change that is necessary. 

But I can list them

First lose weight, get in shape

Second make money, start my own business

Third be more social, make friends, and find lovers

Fourth spend more time doing fun things. 

 

The money thing will be taken care of I think.  Within a year I will have a bachelor's degree.  I hope I can command more money with one.  I always wanted a prestigious job, like CIA, FBI, etc but I don't ever see that happening.  Perhaps better would be to own my own prestigious company.  A guy I graduated from college from.. he had a myspace page, he's flying jets for the Air Force.  Talk about a kick ass job.  Why didn't I do that?  After 20 years he can retire with a pension, be 40ish, fly commercial and be fucking wealthy.  See there I am living in the past and living in what ifs.

 

The weight thing I know I can do, hell I went 10 days without eating, and I think when I was 15 I went longer than that.  As for being more social I think perhaps if I was in shape and had more confidence that might be easy.  And doing fun things… well the happier I am the more I want to go out and do shit.

 

I need to just do it and quit whining on my stupid blog…. I have to do something, it's past critical now. 

It's been a while, I have a bit to say, but too tired.  I want a boyfriend... no I need a boyfriend.  I don't know a gay man who's gone this long without. 

I used Whois to find out who owned the website.  I expected it to be some company that was outsourced but it wasn't.  After threatening to sue I got a lady that was going to try and take me off their database.  It's a company not a non profit.  I am going to wait the 4 or 5 days and if its still there I think I will file a suit against them. 

  

I'm reminded of everything that happened every day.  It's with me when I wake up, its in my dreams at night.  I'm reminded when I go to my crumby job, as I lost a job and I lost a business (although it was in it's infancy).  I'm reminded when I go to the public library and see children there, and when I open my credit card statements.  I'm reminded when I fill out a job application and it says have you ever been convicted of a felony.  I am reminded I was once charged with one but thankfully I can still put down no.  I'm reminded when I hear the words jail on TV, I'm reminded when they talk about Michael Jackson and his alleged victims.  I'm reminded that they didn't use alleged; they spoke as if I had victims even though I didn't.  Never mind I didn't know any children, never mind a child has never accused me of anything.  Never mind there probably isn't a child in that state that knows my name, all of that is irrelevant.  The only laws I have broken are traffic.  It disturbs me when I am referred to as an offender.  I've won my case; it never even went to trial.  It didn't take millions, no one was bought.        

Once before I tried to get my name off a statewide database that lists me as an offender and failed.  Anyone with my last name can get my first name and middle initial.  From my last name they can obtain my date of birth.  They can verify my social security number.  I called the 877 number and spoke with an operator. She refused to answer my questions, she wouldn't even tell me if she worked for the organization or if she was outsourced.  All I wanted was a mailing address, she asked me why I wanted that information, I told her so I could write them a letter.  She hung up on me; I called back and told her she was rude.  So tomorrow I will call them and appeal to their sense of greed.  I will call them and tell them I own DEWRES Inc, and your organization has done so much for my sister who is a victim of spousal abuse.  Thankfully he is now her x spouse, but when she told me how much you have done for her I felt I had to make a donation.  I would like to talk to someone about having my company make a contribution to your organization; can you give me some contact info?  I am going to do this tomorrow, and I will sue these bastards if I have to.  I can't help but think that before all of this I would never have been able to do that.  I would never have been able to be deceitful.  So it's changed me.  I'm tired of fighting, and I am tired of losing.  I suppose I won the important fight, but sometimes I think not really.  I guess I will end with a quote.  With the first link, a chain is forged.  The first speech censored the first thought forbidden the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably.    If I have any readers, and any of you know what that quote is from, shock me by telling me in a comment :-)

  

 

Well not a whole lot is new.  I still have the same job, although I am working less hours now.  Today I left early due to there not being any customers.  Chris just left about a half hour ago.  He used to work where I work, but they layed him off.  They got rid of him because they were pissed at him.  Right after laying him off they hired someone else.  Someone they paid a dollar fifty an hour less.  I guess whatever it takes to make money.  Or like I say, the first million is never enough.  My sleeping schedule has been messed up, I keep wanting to sleep during the day and can't fall asleep at night.  Plus it seems like I am not well rested when I do get to sleep.  Perhaps I am having bad dreams, I am not sure.  I just know I should feel more rested during the day and I am not.  I guess things are going good,  am taking 6 college credits this semester.  I am not sure how I am going to do in those classes.  They are becoming a lot of work and one of them is online and its a bitch, taught by a bitch too.  Well I would write more but I guess I am not in a talkative mood.  Zola on AOL, who is an AOL AI program told me a neat quote which I think I will add here.  I think I will end this entry with the quote.  Tennyson wrote, "The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks; the long day wanes; the slow moon climbs; the deep moans round with many voices. Come, my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world." 

I guess not much has changed since my last post.  I haven't posted in a while. I suppose I am losing interest in this blog much like I have lost interest in everything else.  Well I guess I am still interested in boats.  I would know like to build one, and sail it across an ocean.  I think that would be a neat accomplishment.  Plus it would be challenging yet relaxing.  I'd want to singlehand it across, to someplace distant with few people.  I guess thats about it for this entry. 

Well life really does suck.  I am still putting lumber in the back of peoples pickups for a living.  I'm still living at my folks house.  I still have no social life.  As I am typing this my mom is explaining to my grandmother how to use the bathroom, which is right next door which is why I hear it.  I think she's shit her pants again.  She's talking to chairs and walls more often.  I think if I was like that I'd put a gun to my head and end it.  I've talked to my psychologist over the phone a couple times since I have moved here.  He's pretty much told me to set goals, etc.  Pretend I am not depressed since acting as if I am not will help lead to me not being.  The class I am taking is a real bitch.  He keeps assigning these really difficult Excel projects.  Fuck Excel, I hate it now.  I think working in retail has given me a negative attitude towards people.  I'm really tired tonight and its about nine.  My brother called from Iraq at around 3Am.  My mom won't tell him not to call in the middle of the night.  I wonder who pays the bills on the sat phone.  I bet he's wishing like crazy he never joined the Marine reserves.  What a fucking joke, we're in some country trying to fix it when there are so many problems in our own country.  A guy at work got a DUI last night, I guess his parents bailed him out.  It didn't stop him from driving to work today.  He thinks he will get community service and a fine.  I don't think he grasps the ramifications.  I bet he loses his job over it.  They won't let him get a commercial license to drive the delivery truck and I bet they don't let him drive the forklift.  If he has to spend a week in jail they will fire him.  They are going to screw him royally I am sure.  I don't see him getting any breaks, and maybe he doesn't deserve any.  He's 19 and Mexican and lives in this redneck town so they will really stick it to him.  I feel sorry for the poor kid.  I wish I lived closer to Florida because I am sure I could buy a great boat for cheap right now.  One with some damage from Ivan that I could fix.  I wish I had a retirement income or something.  I think I would love to just sail around and do nothing with my life.  Well nothing but relax and keep the boat looking great.  I'm a lot less stressed now than I have been in months.  I guess one of the advantages of having a job I hate is having a job I don't stress over.  Well I guess that is it for tonight.       

Well I am taking one single college class, tonight was the first night.  I drove 40 miles to get there after work.  I suppose I look at it as I am so close to finishing that I have to go.  I still have my shitty job.  I have inflammation in the knee from it and it hurts like a son of a bitch.  I had a bunch of cool things to say on here that I thought about today but then I forgot them of course.  Yesterday I threw up my breakfast at work.  That was fun.  I think it may have been the pain killers/ anti inflamatory the doctor perscribed but not sure.  Luckily I only had two pieces of toast.  There was a cute guy in class tonight, he distracted me quite a bit.  The last time I remember being happy I had a boyfriend.  I know I have been happy without a boyfriend, but I guess the last time I remember I had one.  It makes me cry when I think about it.  It's been so long.  There is a married guy with a kid at work that is cute too.  He's only 21, and he's kind of  how should I say... hickish, lol.  But he's cute, and a really nice guy.  Too bad he's straight and too bad I am antisocial.  It was weird being in a classroom again.  I hate crowds like that.  I guess I would never want to go to a party again.  My knee hurts so much I have to sit down to put pants on or take them off.  It sucks.  I have a big scab on one of my fingers too.  It's like you can wake up one day and have lost everything.  Your job, your health, and suddenly you weigh 50 lbs more and you're broke.  I guess I am trying to get it all back but it seems so hopeless.  Sometimes when I am loading wood in some shitheads pickup I just want to cry.  No more creating and faxing 25k purchase orders for me.  I  just load truck all day, even if its raining.  It's just load truck, load truck, load truck.  I guess on a brighter note my blood pressure is no longer 194/98 like it has been in the past.  It's now in the normal range.  Still the depression is still there.  I guess I will never beat that.  Maybe some hot guy will come along and distract me from it, but really I don't think I want one to.  It's 11:30 PM and I have to wake up at 6:30 AM to get to work at 7:30 to load truck, because that is what I do.  Then afterwards I will come home and stay off my feet because they will be hurting too much.  There really seems to be no future in my life, and my entire payckeck goes towards bills from the past.  I have no more money to give my civil attorney so I guess I will have to drop the lawsuit which is probably fine since dipshit won't win anyways.  I fail to see the point of getting up in the morning, but yet I do it anyways.  It's not like anything I do tomorrow will better myself and nothing I do tomorrow will be enjoyable.  I still have no hobbies, and no friends that are geographically close... or just close in any way for that matter.  I don't get what the fucking point of it all is.  What... I suppose someday I can retire from the shitty job and do what... sit on the couch shitting myself talking to the fucking wall because I think its a person like my grandmother does.  That would be just fucking fantastic, I can spend the day struggling with the TV remote because it's operation will elude my totally fucked brain.  If that's all I have to look forward too then I hope I just get struck my lightening tomorrow while I load some shitheads truck with wood.  

Well it's been a while since I have written in here.  I moved in with my parents, which sucks.  But it would appear I was not going to get a job where I was living.  At least they have a big house.  I was working for them for a while.  I worked at their store while they took vacations.  I don't like living here, my grandmother is living here and she's pretty out of it.  She thinks my laptop is a musical instrument, and pretty much can't do anything herself.  She doesn't even know what state she is in.  I did find a job, I started last week.  It's not a good job, I have to get my record expunged before I can get a real job.  Even though there is no conviction or anything it is keeping me from getting a job.  My job entails lifting wood into peoples trucks all day long and the company doesn't do breaks and does not have a break room.  My feet are bleeding from it and they hurt like hell.  I'm not used to running around on my feet from 7:30 in the morning till 5pm everyday.  I'm having reserveations about the attorney I am using to sue the man who made up that story to the police.  I don't think he's agressive enough.  I lost my small claims suit against my landlord.  The judge said my claim had legal merits however I was unable to prove it.  They sent that half mexican half black idiot to represnet housing.  He has since quit working there for 90k a year for a job making 144k a year.  I feel sorry for the county that hired him to run their housing program.  They are going to regeret hiring him.  I think I have been depressed lately.  I think a big part of it is that my feet are killing me and every muscle is hurting me.  If that man hadn't made up the story to the police, the police hadn't performed an illegal search, then they hadn't gone on the news and repeated his story I would have a decent job.  My feet wouldn't be hurting me, and I wouldn't be living here.  He's skewed the whole course of my life.  Then they are wanting me to pay his legal fees if I lose.  It's my word against his, but I don't think I can just let it go. He's cost me thousands, and if I win it won't really matter I will be never be made whole again.  But if I win it will be like someone agreeing that he wronged me.  I realize it will never clear my name, the stigma of what he accused me with will be around forever.  But if I was to win I might feel better.  I guess that's about it.  I drove 45 miles each way to a neighboring town to get something notorized and have my fingerprints taken for an expungement of my arrest record.  All at my expense of course.  There has been so many things like that... 10 bucks in gas, 5 bucks to have the fingerprints taken and 1.50 to mail it.  Plus the wear and tear on my car and the entire afternoon spent messing with it.  I bet I have incurred a thousand dollars in little expenses like that in the last year.  I have to be up at 7:30 tomorrow, doing my shitty job,  because I was fired from a decent one, because of what one man said.  I am going to write  a letter back to my attorney tonight to let him know that I want him to press forward.  I don't care if the oppsoing attorney says he will make a credible witness. He was on perscription morphine while he was hitting on me in his little office.  Well  I guess thats about it.