I haven't posted in a while, I guess not much is new with me.  There is a table of cops right behind me making fun of crazy people and how little money they make.  They make a hell of a lot more than me.  Anyways, a week or so I am suppose to have my last court date.  I hope that goes as expected.  They shouldn't get a break, they should just work non stop.  They should be out arresting the teenager that keyed the shit out of my car, instead they don't even care enough to question him.  Oh well, such as life.  I'm not as angry as I was in my last post.  I'm just really broke, and pretty depressed.  I think I will feel better after I get a job and I start working.

It's really overcast today.  I expect it to rain sometime soon.  I had another hearing, which really really pissed me off.  This judge is a total incompetant asshole.  The law is such that if the state can't identify a trial date, I should be released from my conditional release agreement, and the bail money returned.  The state says they have not heard on whether they would be appealing, and therefore have no idea if and when there would be a trial.  The ignorant, token minority judge ruled that I would stay on the conditional release, and I can wait 30 days to get my money back.  I think he was smart enough to know the attorney general is not going to appeal it.  He did set a date at which the state needs to either shit or get off the pot so to speak.  I'm hoping that if they pull the, "we don't know if the attorney general is going to appeal it or not" the judge will drop the charges but then I don't really know how that works.  It really annoyed me, judges are suppose to be impartial, they are suppose to believe in innocent untill proven guilty, they are suppose to balance the power of the state vs. the defendant.  It would be as if my attorney said I don't know when we will be ready for trial, I have no idea if I will ever be ready, I can't give you a date or a month.  Now that wouldn't fly, so why the hell did he not end the conditional release agreement.  This county has a horrible reputation.  Oh and another thing, the room was packed, with people standing.  Not only am I sure that violated some sort of fire code but I really didn't need to hear him chit chat about how his secretary retired and how happy she is, and a bunch of other things.  I don't give a fuck, and neither did the majority of everyone else you pompus prick.  I've got a fat lady half on my lap and an strange smelling guy on the other side so get a fucking move on making your bullshit rulings you ignorant fuck.  Why do I have to sit there for over an hour when you didn't even give my attorney an opportunity to even speak, you just make your bullshit rulings and twice you assumed I was in custody and twice you had to be corrected.  God this country is fucked up.  I'm just really annoyed today, and angry.  These people are just dragging this whole thing out, its been a year, a fucking year of my life.  God I hate these people, I hate them all.  This country wonders why there are terrorists.  This is why... they jail lawyers on bogus fingerprint matches because they are Muslim, they do multiple "sneak and peeks" in his house, his children see large footprints that match no one in their family in their room.  Then everyone is shocked when some guy blows up a truck under a government building.  I'll tell you why, it's because you treated him like shit.  That lawyer may not have had terrorist inclings before, but I would not be surprised if he has them now.  You took away his freedom, you invaded his privacy, you slandered his name on national news, and you probably ruined his law practice.  He has the right to belive in whatever religion he wants to believe in, I believe a lot of people died for that right.  Now if he blows up an FBI office it wouldn't surprise me that much.  Sure it would not be right for him to do that, but I wouldn't be shocked if he did.  They didn't advertise the Oklahoma bombing guys problem with government, but he had them, and that is what motivated him.  And the sad thing is if the Muslim guy wasn't a lawyer we would have never heard about it.  He would have just been many of the Muslims who have been detained for one bogus reason or another.  If he had not noticed that people had been in his house while he was gone he and we would never have known that the FBI violated his fourth amendment rights.  I've seen those stupid bumpber stickers that say "love your country hate your government", I have begun to think they are not so stupid.  We give the dumbest people positions of power and watch them abuse that power.  Oh and for the record I am not Muslim, would never be, and I don't condone acts of violence.  Everyone acts so fucking shocked when someone does something horrible to show their hate of the US.  Well I'm telling you that you're just shocked cause you haven't been sodomized by your government.  Hence why I want to live on a small sailboat somewhere far far away from here.  It may sound strange but I want to be left alone, and I believe that I can get that anchored off the shore of some central american country.  If only I had the money.  So in short, fuck you judge.  I may stand when the clerk says all rise, but I stand to honor the tradition.  There is no honor at your bench.  You offend me.

Please excuse my language in todays post I try to keep it clean but I am just in an angry mood today.  Since I talk of government a lot in this post I should note Reagan died today.  I think he did a lot for our country so  its very sad that he is gone.        

Someone fired a gun in my apartment complex last night.  Either in their apartmet or out on their balcony or porch.  It was close, and it scared the shit out of me.  It wasn't a hangun either, if I was to guess it was a rifle or a shotgun.  I guess I am not as concerned at being anonymous so I will say it, I hate Washington.  So I went down and talked to the police, people had called them, I figured as much because usually they don't make that many passes through the lot.  He asked if there was any screaming afterwards.  I guess thats what officers ask.  I told him I couldn't tell where it was coming from but it was definitely our complex.  That has to be one of the stupidest things you can do, shoot a gun off in a residential area.  If you shoot it in the air it will eventually come down.  If you shoot it in the ground it can ricochet, especialy since its almost entirely asphalt or cement there, there isn't a whole lot of exposed dirt or grass.  Anyways, that scared the shit out of me.  I've been threatened too many times to being hearing gunfire like that.  I just came from this Taco place, there was a huge group there, some bearing birthday presents.  I think it was a high school drama class, there was an adult.  I thought it rather strange that this was happening on a Sunday, especially with a chaparone.  Anyways, it could have been a high school LGBA group too.  God there was a lot of little fags running around.  There was one guy, and hopefully he was 18 but who knows.  BUt he was really cute. I suppose it doesn't matter if he isn't 18, I'm saying he's cute, not that I want to bone him or anything.  I can use cute in a non sexual context.  Anyways, he was cute, and had these little pants on, and his voice was oh so gay.  He was wearing a blue polo shirt wasn't very tall and he probably weighed 95 lbs.   Anyways, I look like hell.  I have no clean clothes except for the shitty ones, and I just look like shit.  I dunno why, the last year I have just let myself go to hell I guess.  I slept all day today. I dont' really have much to say.  A lot of people are walking by, and it seems like hot guy after hot guy.  It's been too long, way too long.  I shouldn't be talking like this on a Sunday.   
  

Ok the cutest gymnastics boy just walked by me.  He had a bag that probably had his tights or whatever they wear in it, but he still had the shirt that said boys gymnastics.  I'm thinking he's gay.  I mean how many straight guys practice gymnastics.  Well I would guess like little kids go, because their mothers bring them, but I am talking by the time they hit their teenage years, if they are still going, chances are they are gay.  A survey should be done.  I hope I don't get hate mail for stereotyping people.  Honestly though, if you're figure skating or doing gymnastics and you're a guy, you're probably gay.  If you cut hair, and you have a cosmetology license not a barbers license you're gay.  That's right, if a guy is cutting your hair and he's not a barber, he's gay as all hell.  If you play piano professionaly and you're a guy, ie. Jim Brickman, you're gay.  Come on Jim, everyone notices how in your concerts you use gender neutral termonology to describe your significant others.  Plus if you were straight, there wouldn't be so many fags in the audience.  I can't think of any other stereotypically gay people.  Oh theatre majors in college, if you want to see a lot of fags in college, go to the drama/theatre building.  There are a lot working at Starbucks, they have a lot of fags mixing drinks, oh and call centers.  call centers are full of gay people, gay people and morbidly obese people.  Hmmm what else... I used to know a bunch.  English majors in college tend to often be gay.  I'm not saying most of these people are, I'm just saying more than 10%.  Male models, wether its underwear or Playgirl.. I think they are mostly gay.  I went to the hate rally last night, it ended with a march from the park to the local high school.  There was at least a dozen cops there, it felt odd walking to a high school, but there was far more adults than kids.  I had never been to the local high school.  It was a good rally, they had a professor talk, he teaches classes about hate groups, etc.  He gave an interesting little talk about what motivates people to hate and how racists groups etc recruit.  It was mostly white poeple there.  Then some lady gave a talk about picking up hundreds of fliers left on peoples lawns with hate messages and white supremecy websites on them from peoples lawns.  I think its stupid to talk in front of a group about the "great" thing you did.  The fliers said on top "Welcome to the United States of Mexico."  I find that clever, and funny, but I am sure I would disagree with the content and I especially would disagree with the white supremecy websites listed therein.  Anyways, these wackos went through the trouble of distributing their crap and even ignorant people have freedom of speech.  I think its wrong for the psycho lady to be walking on peoples lawns and retrieving the little baggies left there.  It's also not right they threw the crap there in the first place because if I was a homeowner I wouldn't want them littering my lawn.  I didn't like the police videotaping everyone at the event.  I don't want to be a part of some training video for the police on crowd control.  Either that or they were looking for the skinheads who distributed them.  I didn't see any obvious skin heads there though.  It was odd as we all walked along a line that they videtaped us, I wonder if they zoomed in on everyone.  I don't think they should have done that, the news crews were doing like panned shots, and it would be easy to avoid them but the police had a guy set up where you had to walk right by them.  I feel bad for any closeted gay people that showed up, I know how paranoid you can be when you are closeted.  My criminal attorney called me today.  He said as a reward for winning my motion he got to keep a ceramic pig on his desk for a few days, but no raise or bonus for being so fucking brilliant.  I guess when they have a win they get the pig untill someone else has a win.  Anyways, all is well, the prosecutor said he is dropping charges but is waiting to hear back on wether the state attorney is going to appeal the judges decision.  They won't, so its just a matter of a couple more weeks and it will be over.  I left a voicemail for the local officer who was going to interview the kid who did 1800 dollars in damage to my car, he hasn't called back.  I suppose I could sue, but I think I will let it go. I don't forsee ever collecting anything so why bother.  The landlord is not going to do anything about the fact he now has two people telling him that kid is bragging about damaging my car, some lady who he claims now won't be a witness and sign a statement and me.  So he refuses to evict them.  You know when I was a kid my parents always told me that caffeine stunts your growth so I was never given coffee or whatever.  They would use that excuse if I was drinking too much soda.  So this kid just came in and ordered a huge iced mocha.  But then I overheard it was for his gymanstic coach.  I think there is a gymnastic meet or something going on nearby.  Well anyways, I have seen other kids in here odering caffeinated drinks.  My parents never gave me money at 10 years old to buy four dollar drinks.  I'm a lot closer to my parents now then I have been in a long while.  I guess when you lose everyting else in your life you will always have your parents, at least that holds true with my parents.  It's comforting knowing I could gun down a few law enforcement officers and my parents would always stand by me :-)  Ok, don't worry, I am not planning on doing that.  There is one in particular though that as wrong as it might be, I think I would secretly rejoice if she was killed painfully in a horrendus car crash.  Well maybe not so secretly.  I feel almost decent lately, about like how I felt a year ago now, except for being more broke and unemployed.  I think once I am out of this state it will be like a great weight lifted off of me.  I think then I can smile and mean it.  I looked at a truck today that there is no way I could buy, it was a 97 chevy extra long bed with 76k miles.  Beautiful color, the brush gaurd made it look nice but it was loose on one side.  The color was a lot like my old truck, it had nice tie downs, a bed liner, and a hitch.  He wanted 8k, non negotiable.  I think 7k would be more reasonable.  If I move back to where my folks live I would need something four wheel drive like that during the winter.  Too bad I can't afford it.  It wasn't an extended cab like my last truck, but I suppose one can't have everything.  Wow, an old school bus pained as a SOBE bus drove by.  That was a helluva paint job.  You'd think they could afford a brand new bus though, not an old school bus.  I bet they blew 20k on that paint job.  That was neat.  I am being distracted, I think that means its time for me to go.   

I'm feeling kinda good today.  Other than being completely broke things are ok. The kid who keyed the shit out of my car was bragging about it at the top of his voice, I heard it.  I spoke with an officer at the police station, pretty much they are going to do nothing about it.  Today I returned the nice brand new 2004 loaner car.  I'm going to miss it.  Although I was parking it across the street to make sure it would not be keyed so I do not miss the walk home.  My car needed new spark plug wires, a new transmission seal, and a fuel regulator was leaking fuel under the hood.  It was all covered under warranty so I didn't pay for the tow, the loaner, nothing.  Thank god, cause I don't have it.  They probably did 700 dollars worth of work on it.  The warranty expires at 60k miles, the car has 58k miles on it.  My brother is going to Iraq.  I hope he makes it out ok.  He's my brother but I don't really know him.  I hate to say this with him going to war and all but he's a dysfunctional mess.  I lives by sponging off of people, it would appear older men.  Don't ask, don't tell.  A friend says keep next Saturday open, she is taking me somewhere and all I could get out of her is that her daughter is coming along too. I bet we are going to the aquarium.  Or even cooler would be if we are going for a ride on a sailboat, but I think that would be expensive so I don't think it's that.  I still want to live on a sailboat.  I just read what I wrote, my sentences seem short and uncomplete and they don't flow well. I  was reading an x's website not long ago, he writes so well.  He speaks of his feelings, and  funny little anecdotes that happen throughout his day.  He has a ton of friends, and appears to be happy.  He talks of love, and how sex with his boyfriend isn't just sex.  He pretty much implies that it's the best sex he's had.  I'm glad he's happy.  I guess I still don't get it, it being the whole thing called life.  I am so antisocial, my brother is just the opposite, he could walk up to any stranger and he'd be their friend nearly instantly.  I on the otherhand keep to myself.  There is some sort of  anti hate/pro gay rally going on this evening.  I'm not sure if  they will call it off due to the weather but I was thinking of going to it.  I don't look very nice as of late, today I'm unshaven, my shirts untucked.  On a brigher note I have a nice haircut.  I'm afraid that there is going to be a lot of kids there though, its at a public park but I believe a school is promoting it or something.  There was an article in the paper about a the day of silence, I remember that in college. I can't imagine my high school ever having anyone particpate in something like that, they could get hurt.  There's too many ingnorant people in this world.  If you have anything upstairs and had any self esteem you wouldn't care what people do in their bedrooms.  Oh and let them get married, why do people give a shit.  That's interesting I say them.  I guess I don't identify myself as gay anymore.  I'm not sure what that means.  I guess the only way I can explain it is that I am just fed up with gay people, so fed up that I don't wany any part of it.  I guess that's the best way I can explain it.  I do miss that feeling of being in love, I miss making out.  I used to love making out.  That sounds so childish, calling it that, but oh well. I miss going to a movie, holding his hand, then having a hot make out session in the car afterwards.  I miss the quick kisses in the theatre, and we got caught a few times.  I've always been self conscious about kissing a guy in public, I never was about kissing a girl.  I was afraid of being called a fag, and that ruining our night.  I miss making out though, I'm not sure if there is anyhthing better than making out with a guy who tells you he loves you.  I say tells you he loves you because you really never know, I don't know if they mean it or not.  God I am so negative.  I'm tired though, if I ever have anohter boyfriend I think I want my usual roles to be reversed. I want him to take care of me.  Well not like sugar daddy take care of, but I want him to take me out, and him to comfort me instead of the other way around.  A bunch of army guys are leaving.  They are dressed in their camo uniforms.  I need to relax, I can't seem to living here.  I need to spend a couple days with the family dog. I came out to him before anyone else.  The first time I said I was gay, I said it to him.  He didn't care, hell he was banging the neighbor dog who was also a boy.  He's a great dog, he can tell when you are upset and he'll come over and try to cheer u up.  My brother and I used to play around, we'd pretend we were hurt and he would come lick us or sniff us (that wasn't meant to sound dirty).  Once we preteneded my brother was beating me up and he came barking and play bighting and stuff to save me.  That's what I need, to take some long walks with our dog, and sit on my parents porch and look at the mountains.  So much has happened, I need to keep it from changing me for the worse.  I think its impossible to put into words the effect the last year has had on me, I think I just need to come away from it all as a stronger better person, instead of letting it turn me into more of a broken shell of a man.  Another week and it should officially be all over.         

Well its been a strange day.  I gave a civil attorney 4k that I didn't have.  Then I was driving along and the check engine light came on and my car started running really really rough.  So I was like, hell, then the gas light came on, it was running low but I didn't think that low, so I was right by a gas station so I put gas in it.  Then it still ran horrible and the check engine light came on.  So I called the tow service, and even though I am the second owner I was covered, although barely.  So it was towed to the dealership, which is may or may not be covered under warranty.  One of the cylinders is not firing, which is not good.  If its just a spark plug that needs replacing it will be on me, if I blew something up, then its would be them.  I have a nice loaner now.  It has a leather wrapped steering wheel, and its a V6 rather than a V4.  It's pretty much brand new.  Therein lies my problem, I have neighbors that would love to key the shit out of it still and they already saw me stop at home briefly with it.  Plus it has loaner written on the back.  I am afraid of it getting keyed or stolen, and I think that it's a legitament fear.  People don't understand what it is like where I live.  It would be my insurance that would have to deal with it too.  My car had 57k miles on it.  I guess I hope it breaking down isn't some sort of sign.  The attorney brought up some valid reasons why perhaps I should not move forward however he also said it was possible we would win.  I guess I feel as if I have to do something, I can't just let it go.  The person who put everything in motion needs to compensate me.  My life has been put on hold for a year, and I've been unemployed for most of that time, all things that would not have happened if it were not for him.  I dunno, its not like its a bad paint job or something, buyer beware type thing.  I need a job something fierce.  I need to get my life back.  I'm hoping this civil attorney can help me.  I just spoke with a friend, her friend just recieved a check for 11k from an insurance company.  A man rear ended her some time ago and she has been going to the chiropractor.  I have been around her enough to know her back isn't hurting her at all.  I've seen her sit wrong, twist, turn, go under a desk, etc.  It blows my mind she can get 11k for a nonexistant back injury or one in which the pain has gone away a long time ago.  The attorney brought up that the man I am suing could call the news, and they could do a whole new story on this, bringing all this up again for me.  I don't believe he would do that, knowing what I know of him, he's not going to want it to get out he is being sued.  I would guess he would want to delay everything and make the process as difficult as possible.  I guess it's my hope he is insured, and the lawyer they provide him with sees that he's a nutjob and recommends they settle.  Then I can get compensated for my damages without having to spend a lot of time at a trial.  I guess I can't sue the county or the police detective.  I would have had to serve her notice within 6 months and they delayed it enough that its been more than 6 months.  I'm too afraid too anyways, they lie.  I told my civil attorney that and he completely agreed.  He takes some criminal cases too.  It's amazing that nearly every attorney I have spoke too in this area says that the law enforcement in this area lie.  They seem so unmoved by it, they just say oh yeah police lie all the time, they will tell us they are charging our client with one thing and then charge him with another.  They will lie in reports, lie about what was said.  I find it amazing that no one ever seems shocked or outraged about it, its just as if its expected.  The attorney seems bright, he tends to like to talk a lot. I don't need him to spend lengthy amount of times explaining legal terms to me, I have half a brain.  A short explanation is sufficient.  I get the impression he likes to fight.  I think some lawyers are like that, they look at it as a fight and they enjoy the legal fight.  I guess its not a bad analogy.  He refers to the 4k as funding a war chest.  I hope I am doing the right thing and I hope this doesn't create more problems for me.  If I win and someting happens to his license or something it will be a win for all of his clients.  I hope things keep going my way. 

Well I won.  It would appear the charges against me will be dropped, unless the state attorney generals office decides to appeal a judges decision, which would be highly unlikely.  A year of my life, all the money I had, all the money I could borrow.  I guess I should be really happy.  I'm relieved in a way, but still not the same, not whole again.  I guess the best way to describe it is that my life is still in pieces, but now I feel like I can start picking them up.  It will be nice to have my little HP laser printer back.  That's still another fight.  It was a brand new printer a year ago,  I think I had printed about 20 pages of text with it.  I bet they will drop it for me before they give it back.  The detective was at the motion, I had to ask my attorney who she was, he told me.  Then I said to him, "the lady has ruined my life and I don't even know what she looks like."  She was pretty livid after the judges ruling.  The judge did her job though, she ruled in accordance with the law.  The state prosecutor wasn't happy, and kept haggling the judge about her ruling.  My attorney just looked at me and winked 10 minutes after the judge told him how she was going to rule and the prosecutor was still trying to argue.  I felt like saying suck it up asshole, you lost.  But I didn't say anything, I wasn't asked to or required too, it was just a legal arguement.  The detective has a huge fat ass, if she had said anything nasty to me afterwards I think I would have asked how she could be in law enforcement with that big ass.   My public defender was extraordinary.  He put in many hours writing that motion, and was very prepared for his oral arguement.  He knew the judge and felt it was better having her than the other judge  that was originally going to hear the arguements.  I was very impressed and how organized and thoural his oral argument was.  That man deserves an award or something.  Whatever he is paid, I am certain it is not enough.  His delivery was so organized and he cited so many cases and legal terminology that he made the prosecutor look like an ill prepared idiot.  I still have the fear, and I still feel wound up, and I am still being harassed at my complex.  There is still a state prosecutor and a detective gunning for me, unfortunately they will have to drum up new charges, or hope the state attorney generals office appeals which even if they did I think another judge would rule the same way.  I'm flat broke, and still seem to be unhireable.  Of course a criminal background check shows that I have a trial pending for felony charges.  In two weeks it seems likely that will all change, and hopefully in two weeks I can leave this state.  Next Tuesday I talk to a civil attorney again,  I may use the last of my available credit to hire him.  I could use the help, I was accused of so may horrendous things publicly and charged with 10 counts of one.  Intersting thing is, my public defender still has not seen the child pornography, and neither have I.  Perhaps it never existed, perhaps it was just plain adult pornography and the charges was just to drum up publicity to draw out the many many victums they said I had.  What's absurd is everyone who knows me knows I fucking hate kids and never want any.  I lack the patience, and I've always thought of kids as a straight people thing.  I think that I am intelligent enough that if I was of the pedophile persuasion I would have a job that put me around kids.  The majority of child abuse news story I hear about involves someone who puts themselves around kids, like a scoutmaster or a teacher, etc.  I've never had a job or anything involving kids.  I want to do something for my public defender but I don't know what.  I talked to him quite a bit before the arguement, I asked him to argue it like it was his life on the line.  Then I told him I wasn't like a lot of his other clients, I can't go back to Mexico where none of it counts and I can't manage my fathers Mexican resteraunt.  Yeah so I am a racist fuck, but that courthouse has a lot of hispanic defendants in it.  It's very true too, your credit score, your criminal record, for the most part that stays at the border.  I wish I know the guy more, what he liked, his interests.  He needed a new pair of shoes something fierce, his suit was nice though.  A gift certificate at a fine mens store might not be appropriate though, I don't want him to think I am telling him he dresses horrible or anything.  Perhaps a gift certificate at a resteraunt.  He was nervous which surprised me, I asked him if he ever got nervous before trials or hearings and he said always.  He doesn't seem to always enjoy his job, I wonder if he hates speaking publicly or something.  He's a great guy, I know that filing a standard motion which consist of an entire memorandum rather than a custom drafted one like his would have constituted an adequate defense.  A much shorter oral argument, that was not as well organized also would have satisifed that standard.  People may say that I got off on a techincality, but my response to that is that there is no technicalities, only a system of checks and balances to ensure that an innocent man is not found guilty.  Had there been a trial and had I prevailed at trial undoubtably some people would feel I was still guilty.  Just another reason why I feel like I should be awarded some damages, the stigma of this will haunt me for the rest of my life.  I guess if I pursue a civil remedy, and win, even if it is a small amount I think it would make me feel better.  I guess I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I like what my public defender said to me, I finally have some good news to give you.  I think several of his calls I told him whenever he called me it was with bad news.  I guess as it stands now this will all be over in a couple of weeks.  That would make me happy.  If only I could find a job I liked, unfortunately I won't want it to be in this state.  I rolled the dice in having him argue that motion, had I lost we would have lost all bargaining power and the 3 year deal would have disappeared and the state would have asked for significantly more.  Perhaps my luck has turned, perhaps my theory on how it is statsistically impossible for bad things to continue to happen to me is coorect.  I could write a whole new economic theory on it, and investor that has had consistent losses for a number of years straight his portfolio at some point will increase in value.  It would eventually become statistically impossible for him to continue doing poorly.  Anyways, this entry is getting long and as its Friday night I feel as if I should do something other than write in here.                         

Nothing is new since my last entry.  I saw the movie Godsend.  It wasn't very good.  It was either that or see Troy.  I guess I am burned out on that genre.  I mean there is Braveheart, The Patriot, then you have Gladiator.  It's all been done.  Someone should make a modern day war movie with huge battle scenes.  Well that's been done, but not recently, the spears and swords are old.  I bought a couple of sailing magazines today.  I want to learn how to sail.  I think I have mentioned that in earlier posts, I want to live on a sailboat.  I think I would like that, and I would be away from people unless I wanted to go ashore.  It would be nice, not having to deal with people at all.  I've been trying to work on my depression.  I don't think I have had much success.  I guess I don't feel as if I have anything to be happy for.  Something good will happen, something good has to happen. 
     

Well its nearly 1AM and this cutey came by with his huge headphones and he's writing in his journal.  He has to be gay, but I suppose a straight boy can write in a journal.  It just seems gay.  For some reason it seems more gay then if he was adding an entry in his blog.  Plus he has this purple folder that looks like its something some school kid would carry.  The journal is a black book with lines.  He's cute.  He has a goatee though, which doesn't really do it for me.  Plus he's looks about 20 or 21, so a little young.  But still cute.  I guess he inspired me to make an entry.  I am looking at old sailboats for sale online.  It would be so much fun to buy one of those and just sail off.  Man this place brings in some weird people late at night, I suppose I am including myself in that statement.  There is a ton of young college boys running around.  I love stereotyping people, next to being negative it's probably my favorite thing.  Well I guess I have been in a better mood as of late.  I have been sleeping lots.  No one has called me on a job or with any news good or bad.  I should really get a more normal sleeping schedule, and plus I need to exercise.  I flirted with a girl tonight who was sitting across from me.  She asked if she had any pen or ink from her pen on her face, I looked closely and said, "your face looks fine" with a cheesy grin.  Fake it to make it right, thats what my shrink says about being depressed.  I suppose he did not mean that to apply faking heterosexuality.  She was a nursing student and quite attractive.  If only she did it for me, if only I had a nice wife like her.  Maybe I would be happy.  I have been watching a lot of movies lately. I watched an old movie from 1980 called The Changeling.  It was pretty good, it was a scarey flick.  Wow, I used flick, old poeple call movies flicks.  I have The Negotiater at home, still need to watch that.  I have seen it before though.  Well college boy is spending more time looking around than writing.  I need money.  I need it bad, I am going to buy some lottery tickets.  Yeah thats not thinking really clearly, I need money so I will play the lottery.  My brain doesn't work quite like it used too.  I feel that my thinking and my memory has been distorted as of late.  I guess I am no good under stress.  That boy writes too small for me to read it, I am usually good at reading stuff upside down.  He started with big print that says Here Goes.  God I'm a horrible person for trying to look at what he is writing.  I would be pissed if someone was trying to look at what I was typing.  They have been playing depressing music tonight, I like that.  I guess I really don't have much to say.  Nothing much has happened but a lot of sleeping.  I need to beat this depression thing before it kills me.  My shrink asked the suicide assesment questions, it annoys me when he does that.  I told him about the dryer hose and duct tape I bought months and months ago when he asked me if I had a plan.  I figure carbon monoxide from the car exhaust into the car would be a good way.  Ok now the boy is talking into his MP3 player, I guess it records too.  Very strange.  There was a time when I would have talked to him, found out if he was gay, and if he was hit on him.  Wow the crazy bag lady with the huge wig is here. Now he is pulling out his mixing board.  I talked with him about it for a bit.  Yeah he looks like the type that would come home with me if had some good weed, but I have never had weed.  In the early college years I picked up guys like him, brought them home and showed them what a guy could do for them.  God I was horrible back then.  I've been quite a few "straight" guys first.  I'm gonna go to hell for that.  My favorite would have to have been "Boone" what kind of parents name your kid Boone.  But he was 19 and horny and his HS graduation present was a beatuful and probably 35k diesel truck.  Grew up on a ranch.  God that was fun.  Except he freaked after afterward, which kinda surprised me since it was him that grabbed me and starting kissing me.  After that it was all fair game, and after a little kissing there was a tent in his jeans so he was mine.  It was fun.  Poor confused Boone.  So worried that his parents would find out.  I think I was 21 at the time.  He was cute though.  His apartment was very gay, and he got mad when I pointed that out.  That was a fun one night stand.  One of the more racy things I have done, but in all it was fun times.  This guy reminds me of him.  He's leaving now.  He looks lonely, like me.  He's got a hairy chest, I can tell from his t-shirt.  He's dressed like a cute little raver boy.   

Well I see my shrink tomorrow.  Frist time in a while, I haven't had the extra money.  It's been a rainy day.  I still have birds in the ceiling above my bed which is making me sleep on the couch because they keep me up all night which in turn makes my back around the shoulder area hurt.  God I have so much hate for that apartment complex.  No one called me on any jobs.  No one wants to employ me.  I haven't heard a more detailed assesment of wether we will win our motion and the motion isn't for another two weeks.  I guess I don't have much to write about.  I've been sleeping a lot.  My memory has pretty much gone to hell.  I think I am going to watch A Wrinkle in Time tonight, it has Gregory Smith in it, he's so hot on Everwood.  Yes, his character is still in high school but the actor is turning 21 in July so... yeah.  He's yummy.  His character in Everwood is dating a college chick too.  Or was, not sure, I don't catch every episode.  I guess the season finale of Everwood is on the same time as The Wrinkle in Time.  I read that book as a kid, it was one of my favorites.  Hmm that's when you know you are a big star, when you are on two channels at once.  He's cute, I wonder if he's gay, I just did a google search, at least one other person with a blog wonders the same thing.  Well if he was, he'd never give me the time of day.  As long as I am talking about child actors, JTT is like 22 now.  I met a guy who swore that he was neighbors of JTT and used to have coffee with him says he's openly gay. I wonder if that's true.  Of course on another note a guy I used to date claimed the same about Will Wheaton, the Star Trek Kid who's now like 30 and happily married.  The kid who played on Who's the Boss, who was a little older than me came out Danny Pintauro.  God, makes me feel old.  I had a crush on him growing up.  He was on TV talking about being gay, I think it was a Who's the Boss reunion or something.  That series seems so old.  I guess the wrinkle in time is TV only, maybe I will just watch Everwood, although Effram does too much crying in it and it's sad to see him cry.  Plus I'm tired of him chasing fish, make him bi or something.  I am imdb'ing like crazy tonight.  I loved Picket Fences, and I just learned it was created by David Kelly who does the Practice.  That guy is a genius, unfortunately The Practice and Picket Fences is not released on DVD.  Damn I just found a Gregory Smith website, Canadians are hot.  Holy shit, my neighbor moved to LA who was in that one straight to DVD low budget gay film has had little backgroudn parts in Boston Public and American Dreams.  Holy shit, he's been in a couple other films too mainly uncredited parts, so he must be an extra.  His only thing listed was that made for DVD thing where I here they have a shot showing him... uh in all his glory.  Not to be bitter but I am sure he is sleeping his way into them.  I say that cause I knew him.  I had a huge crush on him, and he let me have mhy way one night.  He was a jerk to me though, I was nice to him.  Maybe he thought I was nice cause I wanted to sleep with him, maybe he thought right, I don't know.  He was cute, perhaps if I was cute I could do something like that in my life.  Ok I am glad he's getting work, and I hope he gets more parts, parts with lines or whatever, but it's depressing that he can do something with his life and I can't.  Well ok, that's enough looking at x flings and I really need to cut down on the self pity.