Well it's been a long time bloggy.  I'm attempting to take 18 college credits while working 24 hours a week, all in the midst of major depression, still being attacked by a some state prosecutor who's name I don't even know.  It's dark and late at night and I am asking myself what I have to live for.  I guess my answer is not much.  I just finished watching a bunch of sitcoms on DVD from a series I used to watch as a kid.  That's pretty lame.  I'm living vicariously through the lives of others, others who are no doubt more financially successful than myself.  Others who probably have the ability to form and maintain functional relationships.  I've entered into this strange pseudo relationship with a woman 20 years my senior.  I'm not sure what that's about, but it's dysfunctional.  I don't t know what to say in here.  I want to win the lottery and buy a nice sailboat and sail off to a faraway land where happiness is located.  I have strange borderline paranoia all the time and this horrible feeling.  I guess I am just hanging on.  That's a bad analogy though, I used to be the kid who always gave up before he had too… like hanging on the monkey bars or whatever.. I could hang on longer but I would give up before it started to burn.  I think once I get this college degree and they lose their appeal that life will be better.  Maybe I can land a job on a cruise ship, managing the cruise ship store or something.  If I drowned would anyone care?   If I died would anyone but family be at the funeral?  What the hell happened to me, how did I get so broken.  In three months I will have a bachelor's degree.  I think the change in weather is giving me melancholy…. Maybe I will end this with a positive quote… " In this life, it's not what you hope for, it's not what you deserve -- it's what you take."