Six years ago if you asked me how lucky I was I would have told you I didn't have very much luck in life, weather it be money or relationships or success. It's amazing how you don't appreciate what you have until you lose it all. It's not until you look back that you realize you had things pretty good. The last big thing I had, a job I liked, has now turned into a job I don't like. That was the last thing, that's what I could hold onto. I don't make a lot of money but I liked working there. Now that's gone. Should I be grateful that there is so little left to lose? What is left... my freedom, my very life? Do I have those now? Where do I go from here? Why can't I fix any of this? Listing all of the things I have lost doesn't seem to be helping, the list is so long I would need to write it all down.

The unexamined life is not worth living. When I examine mine, it's not worth living either. What am I suppose to do, cling to the hope of better times ahead? What evidence do I have that suggests things will get better? When I look at things logically I come to the conclusion that things are more likely than not going to get worse. If you find yourself going through hell, keep going. How long can that quote keep me going? What happens when I feel like I just need to lay down. It took everything to keep from bawling while at work today. I love that place, and now it's gone. It's all fucking gone. Everything leaves, they all do. Are they being taken, or am I letting them slip away? Am I not holding on tight enough? For the friend from my past that I e-mailed asking if I had the right e-mail, I did more googling I know it's you. I thought perhaps you didn't get the e-mail so I texted you. Fuck you for not responding, fuck you for not saying hello. Just a conversation to catch up, just a hi how are you.... all because I had a dream and you were in it. You were one of those friends that I didn't realize I was lucky to have, but clearly I was appreciated even less, so fuck you. Fuck all of them.