I feel like something is wrong lately, and not just the usual wrong. The other day I had deja vu, really bad deja vu all day.  I went to places for work that I felt sure I had been too before.  I still think he took me there but he said he was sure he hadn't. It was a small building for a large truck scale that houses one employee. It's like I have this overwhelming feeling something really bad is going to happen. I keep forgetting to take my blood pressure pills, when I forget my blood pressure goes dangerously high. I would give anything for this to end, for the state to leave me alone, for me to move on with my life. I can't move on, I am stuck.  I feel like I haven't grown as a person in 6 years, I feel like I'm developmentally stuck.  I am withdrawing more and more. I am forcing myself to go to Moscow, to visit a friend that I am not sure is still a friend but that's a long story. We were close once but we are totally different people now. I feel I have to get out of the house, for my health. I'm not looking forward to the stress of driving 150 miles in a vehicle I don't trust but I have to get out. I am withdrawing more and more. I don't have any control, I can't stop anything from happening. Part of me wants to spend another weekend sleeping, like I do most weekends. I've been thinking if I quit my job, or lose it, or whatever that I am going to find something I can do completely from home. I don't want to leave the house anymore. In fact ideally I'd like to have a few inches of plate steel between me and the world, I'd like to have my groceries delivered, etc. I just don't see the point in venturing out anymore, nothing good ever comes of me interacting with people. With that said, I'm going to see an old friend this weekend. I guess I am still trying, if I am still trying I guess that means I still have hope.  If I have hope then there is hope.